the last stick that I choose to discard

A couple of hours has passed yet I still feel the numbness in my throat. I still feel that throbbing ache that wraps my head. I still feel a gaping hunger in me that longs for both clarity and comfort. This is not the first time I abuse myself to find any semblance of hope and purpose.

As pieces of me still look for you, as pieces of me still plan for our future, as pieces of me still water the garden of our memories, as pieces of me lay quietly in this grave that I so delicately dug, I ask myself if I'm happy.

I ask myself if remaining alone in our shared world brings me joy. I ask myself if I find comfort in cherishing the paintings and sculptures we left behind. I ask myself if deciding to end things was the right call or if I decided to stay, would it prove that maybe our love was meant for us. And I ask myself, whether this intricate spider web of emotions and memories allow me to find peace.

I realize that we humans are not meant to always feel happy. There are days when we feel sad, days when we feel so confident in ourselves, days when we are confused, and days when we feel loved and cared for. And in those multitudes of feelings and everything in between, we should be able to find peace.

A peace that eases the burden and shame that our hearts tend to carry everyday. A peace that tells us that not everything needs to align and make sense for now. A peace that drowns out the noise of the world and allow us to ask ourselves deeply.

As the night comes to a close and my cup becomes empty, maybe I will be back to a happy day or a sorrow-filled one. And yet, now that everything clears out, I am okay with having either. Maybe the joy will last, or maybe the sadness will take over immediately. I now know that I am at peace with what has happened.

The serenity of this moment has given me clarity. I no longer need to look for my vices just to feel again. I no longer require liquor to dull this particular numbness in my heart. I no longer choose to remain in this grave. And as I wake up with a tattered and bent cigarette beside me, I have resolved myself to move on ahead with my life.

The question that remained finally found its answer. That you no longer need to hold on to what you're left with. That the pieces within you will eventually be a new whole. That as you discard this stick that you found, night has already passed and a brand new day has come.

There are still the consequences of your actions, but those will serve as a reminder that you have grown. There are still the gaps in your being that was once filled by her, but those are the greatest lessons you will carry forward. There are still many more that your heart struggles with, but I have already forgiven myself.

And as I lay it all behind me, I realize something important. I ALREADY RAN OUT OF COFFEE. Guess I need to make another cup.